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Feb. 5th, 2006 @ 09:49 pm
I know its been a damn long time. lets just say i dont care about voicing my issues. beyond thst and for the most part, you dont either. there's love on one level, exasperation on another, and general frustration overall

Apr. 22nd, 2005 @ 03:21 am
there is a song from a long time ago. "I'm dying inside and knowbody knows it but me." i am lost. i need my baby but i cant get ahold of her. i am lost right now. baby i love youu but i need more caring. i know you and your friends are important but how i feel should be most valuable. i know you love me so dont get me wrong. please spend some time with me and show me you care as much as i do. right now i tried to call at least 5 times with no answer. baby i need you rigt now because i feel like all that matters is how much i hurt but you dont want to think about my pain. my pain makes me feel like i cant be what you need. please call me. right now i qm lost. as in i dedicate myself to you but no matter what i feel i lost you and you dont want me back because of how i am. i know i have been an ass but i want to stay with you. i love you. please call me
Current Mood: depresseddepressed

sorority life Feb. 15th, 2005 @ 10:02 pm
is making me paranoid. it's true that i have no reason to doubt her but i have no faith in other people. fact is that we wont get to talk monday through friday besides little 5 minute bs chats between classes. also, there are mandatory tuesday go to a bar night. and mixers on thursdays and something else on fridays. thats about 5 times as much much time spent partying in a week than time taliking to your fiancee. ok well its important to make college life memorable and important. but when i get shafted to make that happen am i supposed to be happy? am i supposed to trust all these random sorority girls and frat boys and random people going to the bars? its been said that i need to trust her but thats not the issue because i do, most of the time. unless drunk and after a late night of partying i do. just wanted to get that said. all the same im not comfortable, dont feel as loved anymore, and dont want to dedicate myself to a futile relaionship. i hope im making the right decision by sticking to it.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed

well... Feb. 10th, 2005 @ 08:52 pm
it's been a while but here's the rundown. things are mostly good. me and suzie are great. she's rushing so i have to get used to the fact that she'll be busy most of the time now. that sucks for me but i realize it's best for her. besides that classes are not so bad this time around. i was hoping for a gpa boosting semester and it looks like that will happen. go me. next, i plan on going back to camp for an almost perfect summer. a few things are gonna be different but i cant talk about that. however, it'll be fine. or at least i keep telling myself that. its best for her... i seem to be saying that a lot lately. i hope this isnt a problem. next, my best friend is currently taking a smorgesboard of intoxicants. well, theres nothing i can do right now about that. he may be coming here this weekend which will give us the chance to talk and maybe i can get him back on the straight and narrow...AGAIN. fact is he's been using weed, pcp/formaldyhyde which is called wet, angel dust, and cack cocaine. shit shit shit. lastly, i love you baby. you stand by me and love me for no reason i can discern. thanks.
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: higher- the game

no-body Jan. 22nd, 2005 @ 02:48 am
not even my girlfriend, the only person i would give my life for these days, gives a fuck when im depressed, "im tired". i have no reason to believe that i matter. i might as well take a seat on the floor of the shower stall and blead out. i dont care and noone else does either. its been a long time but pain is love, right? im not really serious but it just goes to show the lack of anyonewhogivesadamn.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: higher- jim jones
Other entries
» shoot the roomie
so i'm back at school and quite frankly im pissed. my roomate and i made plans for spring break in october or november. and he invited one of his frat boys to join us for that week+. i finally met the kid tonight and he refused to even shake my hand. so now my 200 dollar ticket gets me a week in miami with someone who i dont know, is underage, and is flaming. besides that, the kid is not even remotely the type of person i would enjoy hangin out with regularly. so now i want to cancel my flight but at the same time i feel guilty because we(my roomate and i) have talked about this since freshman year. so i dont really feel ok with this mess. should i back out or should i give it a shot cause i'd be in miami? is it worth the risk?

in general, i've lost my best friend to the frat scene and he continues to change. and im not the only person who has noticed the difference. unfortunately, im not able to "keep up with the jones's" cuase they go out three times a week. i feel seperated, and with this new addition, i feel that i have been excluded as well as my desires for a certain type of spring break. fuck...
» ahh... freedom
ok, well after all the shit i had to deal with i finally finished the semester. so a full 24 hours after leaving DC i have been home to my dads and now find myself in long island. so, what im tryin to say is that i am finally starting to feel relaxed. I was all seper tense and crazy for a bit but that's going away finally. now i have my baby to cheer me up so thats been helpin too. plus, my step-mom decided to pay the insurance on my car so i can have it the 3 weeks im home for break. But i have a feeling that this "christmas present" is actually just more convenient for the 'rents cause that way i wont be borrowing thier cars. anyway, no more pissed off, depressessed, stressed entries for a while....
» cant is my favorite 4 letter word
yea, its been a while as usual. it helps me to write when im feelin down. im just stressed out of my mind and beyond exhausted beyond imagination. plus i have the hardest final tomorrow morning in the one class i run the risk of not getting credit. plus i dont think before i speak. and not just now and then. everything i say is just stupid. im not happy. i hate who i am and what i do to people when i dont think. i just give up sometimes. and now is one of those. i cant. not anymore. just cant and dont want to. no school. no people. no parents. just nothing.
» fuck you fuck me fuck it all
So after the last few hours i feel like the world just shat on me. i cant do anything right and more than that there is nothing i can do to fix my fuck ups. i said the wrong thing but that led me to be fucked up. i've spent the last two hours trying to salvage the situation. but nothing matters. it doesnt matter how guilty i feel about coming close to cheating a year ago but feel so guilty deep down. it doesnt matter that she turned a random guy into a boyfriend-type-situation a year ago. i am so sorry for my mistakes, willing to give my life to prove my love. but still am not good enough. i do hold that situation aganst her because it proves the fact that she can and i CANT no matter what. whether she can or not she has. all i know is that i cant. well, fuck it all. i try i lose. so whats new. lets forget i ever existed. cause soon enough, i wont.
» friday..
So today should be a good day. it's friday. end of the week, blahblahblah. All my damn work is gonna ruin this weekend completely. there's just no time for me to relax now. its like all my professors got together and said lets make everything due over that last week and a half. i have 3 huge projects due the 17th, one paper and one project due the 10th. two presentations on the 10th. two presentations the 7th and two presentations today. and that's the big stuff not the little shit.

anyway, had a great thanksgiving, except being nervous about doing something to anger suzue's parents and dealing with my step mom but it passed and now im back at school. and last week is barely a distant memory.
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